2018 Memories
Shavasana Durango Style
I’m alone. Freezing. Bone cold. Wrapped in bloody bandages. Prostrate on the truck bed. Dumbly wondering…how will this end? A truck could serve reasonably well for an ambulance ride home. Not automatically a bad idea, but definitely vulnerable to poor execution. The road from Denver to Durango follows twisty mountain roads for 8 hours. I’m trussed up like a burrito, covered in bags of ice, and loopy from pain meds. As we round curves, I smash into each side of the truck like a billiard ball, ricocheting between the wheelchair on one side and the crutches on the other. After a tortuous 4 hours, Jody thinks to inspect ‘the baggage’. The ice bags have long since melted producing a pool of freezing water that now laps at my chin. When she opens the truck gate to peek inside, a wave of cold water pours out. I wake from my dream of drowning in the Arctic. Fortunately I’m utterly hypothermic and thus feel no pain. In response to her inquiring look, I cough up an ice cube and sputter that I’m still alive.
I’ve been sidelined with mobility restrictions for 4 tortuous months after my hip replacement surgery. Finally the doctor declares that I’m free to live my normal life. I’m still shivering from the truck ride home and am ecstatic to join Jody for a hot sweaty yoga session. In the superheated studio, I exult in the opportunity to stretch my hamstrings again. I reach down to my toes - groaning with pleasure - when something “wrong” happens. Have you ever twist the leg off of a roasted chicken? Now imagine how it feels to be the chicken.
I fall onto my face….flopping around in yoga sweat. My thoughts progress rapidly from “This Is Really Gross!” to “Ouch!” I turn to Jody and mouth “Uh Oh” and she rushes out of the studio to retrieve the truck. The yoga teacher, thinking I have feinted from the heat, encourages me to adopt a Shavasana pose and breathe deeply. I continue flopping. In a few minutes Jody returns and enlists a couple of yoginis to help load me into the back of the truck – the very same truck bed from whence this story started. At the Emergency Room, two nurses hold me down while the doctor stands on the bed over me to gain the leverage necessary to pull my hip back into place. Gurgle…Pop! Welcome to my life.
Hey Doc
“Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” is a stock conversation between patients and their doctors in Durango. Athletic folks follow a careful script to ascertain what the doctor will allow, given that the patient’s yearnings are likely disconcerting. We are sitting in the doctor’s office after my 2nd hip dislocation with our cue cards ready. The doctor looks at the X-Rays and says there doesn’t seem to be anything structurally wrong, just that my tendons are loose. I cautiously ask the doctor if I can ride a bike….just a bit to sustain muscle strength…if I promise not to bend my hip past 90 degrees. She looks at me probingly. After a moment, she allows that with that restriction in place, riding a bicycle should be acceptable. She cautions that to prevent a potential fall… and subsequent flopping… it would be better to use a stationary bike. All I hear is that I can ride my bike! That’s great because we are scheduled to begin a 350 mile bike ride the next week along the Great Allegheny Trail and C&O Canal. We arrange the bike handles above my head so that when mounted I look like a Harley rider, but wearing colorful spandex. Over the next week we ride from Pittsburgh PA to Washington DC with Ben, Claudia, Rob, and Amy. We navigate a bike trail constructed on abandoned railways and canal paths from an earlier age of America’s history. Our luggage is delivered each day to the next BNB along our path. You know, I could get used to this level of service! We conclude our ride at the DC National Mall in all its glory. Our visit to the WW2 Memorial helps ready me for the next chapter in this story.
After a 3rd dislocation (NOT during the bike ride) I start investigating sturdier hip designs. The doctor explains that artificial hips improve sturdiness by reducing joint flexibility. Since I’ve now unpredictably impersonated a flopping fish three times, I choose the sturdiest model. My new joint unfortunately requires that I remove three cotter pins and a restraining cable to tie my shoe, but I find it a reasonable tradeoff. It’s been a month with my ‘tighter’ hip parts and everything seems to be working pretty darn well. The squeaks quiet down as long as I drink ½ cup of olive oil with each meal.
50th Birthday Trail
Jody convinced 7 tentative souls (Dan, Scott, Janet, Mike, Eric, Suzanne, & poor me) to celebrate her 50th birthday. For unknowable individual reasons we each agree to: pack our camping gear; travel to the Basque region of Spain; mount bikes; embark on Jody’s two-week quest (suffer-fest). Now we’re lost. Pushing our bikes. In deep woods. Again. (Good grief I’ve just realized I don’t even have to take this paragraph out of each annual Christmas letter. It’s Groundhog Day!) We’ve been trudging this trail for two days now. We’re nearly out of food & water. We arrive at a trail junction and everyone begins arguing over which direction to follow. Our appointed navigator Scott silences the racket. He points to the new trail and states gruffly “This trail is shit.” He points to the current trail and shouts ominously “This trail is also shit.” After a beat he then announces “But this trail is the right shit!” Nobody challenges. We push.
Normal Vacation
In Spain with a bunch of old friends we, see some incredible country, sample tasty tapas, savor fine wines, and yeah…some of the ‘biking’ is really hard. Jody revels in it all. Mike brings her warped world view into focus. We have just finished a challenging day in extreme heat riding (pushing) ridiculously steep mountain trails. It is midnight in an outdoor café in San Sebastian and the street scene is just getting started. Mike, drinking a beer to combat dehydration, suggests how nice it would be to come back here on a “normal” vacation to hang out, see the sights, and enjoy air conditioning. Jody retorts, “But, this is normal! The best trip ever! What on earth are you talking about?” Mike laughs nervously at her seriousness. I buy him another beer and whisper in his ear, “Welcome to my world!”
Schrodinger’s Chair
Though we’ve travelled with Dan Read for decades, his last transgression may have changed the landscape. In retrospect, I think the heat in Spain might have caused some of his brain cells to roast. While enjoying a dinner at our home, giggling wickedly, he suggests performing the Schrodinger Cat experiment on Thomas the Tom Kat (TTTK). I might have laughed at this ‘joke’ if we were alone, but Jody was within earshot. She responds with cold silence. Dan goes pale after he realizes his Miscalculation…then suddenly, without warning, his chair collapses. He finds himself splattered on the ground - surrounded by broken chair parts - with a helping of spaghetti sauce across his chest. Jody looks on with TTTK purring on her lap. After helping him up and sweeping up the chair pieces, she thanks Dan for convincingly demonstrating the Schrodinger Cat principle by proving that a chair simply cannot simultaneously be both stable and shattered. Those of you familiar with Dan Read know he will argue that we staged this collapsing chair episode to humiliate him. We respond to his predictable contention with the following: “We neither confirm nor deny any such allegation and direct you to the Warlock with any further inquiries.”
Lost Wages
The blackjack tables in Las Vegas are dicey, but Jody found out you need also to be careful at the Chanel counter. She forgot to pack lotion for a business conference and visits Nordstrom’s hoping to find a free sample. While browsing, she is approached by a “super cute” cosmetics salesman speaking with a sultry French accent. He gazes glowingly at her and coos, “You must have some Eau de Toilette and a spray of Eau de Parfum.” He then performs a facial on her repeating, “This is really fantastic, it makes you look so young”. When he senses Jody weakening, he pounces, “Your name is Jody? You look just like Jodie Foster. You are so lovely”. Jody swallows the hook, line and sinker … she makes an $800 “investment” in lotions guaranteed to deliver a youthful glow. Thankfully, my girl is a skier. That night she can’t sleep, realizing that $800 can buy a ski pass and a full winter of fun. Before the Frenchman gets to work the next morning, she returns everything…except for the free samples!
Woobie, Lost and Found!
In order to remember “home” when she travels for business, Jody wears her Durango insignia – a tattered & frayed fleece vest that she’s named “Woobie.” This scruffy vest provides her a feeling of coziness like a warm bunny rabbit & a sense of protection like Captain America’s shield. When returning from a trip to Dallas, she discovers Woobie isn’t in her bag. In a state of panic she calls the hotel. The outcome uncertain, since anyone sensible would imagine “Woobie” to be a disposable cloth used to shine shoes. After searching for an hour, the hotel manager calls back to report that Woobie was safely recaptured from the dumpster. Jody happily agrees to pay premium overnight FedEx service to have Woobie delivered safely home.
Is it real?
We recently presented our art filled yard to a young girl and her grandparents. The girl’s blonde hair twirls as she runs among the painted figures. She gawks at Calvin & Hobbes sledding; Kokopelli kayaking down a raging river; Wile-E-Coyote chasing Roadrunner. After the tour we offer her a fresh green bean from our garden. Still entranced, she looks up in doubt and asks “Is it real?”
Worm Poop
Young kids can be hard to refuse with their expectant looks and bright faces. We’ve all been approached by a young miss selling Girl Scout Cookies. Recently a neighborhood sprite knocked on our door, holding out a small bag of dirt for sale. She explains that this is a rich soil additive which had been composting all winter. Asked to describe the process, she talks glowingly about worms…lots of worms. After hearing her breathless description, I summarize, “So you are trying to sell me worm poop?” Somewhat flustered, she smiles and nods slowly. I buy two bags.
Life in Durango
We are so proud to report that our apricot tree finally ‘apricotted’! To our utter amazement and because mother nature didn’t deliver a late frost, our tree produced enough apricots to make a pie. We are so proud of him!
Jody continues her work for Mr. Cooper, one of the largest loan servicers in the country. She recently managed a project to upgrade the company’s digital footprint to compete successfully in the 21st century. She’s now onto the next project and enjoys the work, though finds it a constant challenge to maintain a sound work-life balance.
I continue to manage our commercial property and am an active member of Durango’s Park and Recreation Advisory Board. I also take care of Jody and, whenever Jody is flying out, pack her a lunch to make sure she has something to eat. I’ve heard this has caused some turbulence among her co-workers who now demand the same treatment from their spouses!
SMILEBOX SLIDESHOWS:
We’ve created musical slideshows for most of our recent adventures.
25th 'Versary
50th Birthday Epic - Bikepacking the Basque Region
Pittsburgh to DC - Great Allegheny and C & O Canal Bike Ride
Capitol Reef Canyoneering
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Jody and Seth Furtney & Thomas the Tom Kat
11 Molas Drive, Durango, CO 81301
Jody Cell Phone: 970-385-5567 / Seth Cell Phone: 970-385-5547
Email: jodyfurtney@hotmail.com / sethfurtney@hotmail.com
Jody
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